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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25061332">Nightmares and Razor Blades</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsanswitch/pseuds/Thatsanswitch'>Thatsanswitch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nico di Angelo Needs a Hug, Nico-centric, Nightmares, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:20:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,723</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25061332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsanswitch/pseuds/Thatsanswitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The memories of Tartarus haunt Nico Di Angelo, leaving him feeling disgusted, ashamed, and broken. He’s slowly killing himself, as the secrets pile up. It all comes crashing down when he can’t run anymore, and he’s forced to face the others on the Argo II.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nico di Angelo/Will Solace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>222</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nightmares and Razor Blades</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nico Di Angelo stared up at the starry night sky. It was well past midnight, everyone else on the Argo II was asleep, except him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That wasn’t an unusual thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Since he got back from Tartarus, he could count the hours of sleep he got in a week on one hand. His thoughts were always clouded and elsewhere, part of him wondered if he had left his mind down in that miserable pit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew he had lost other things down there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shuddered slightly, as memories plagued his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blinked away tears. No, he wasn’t going to cry about that anymore. That’s all he seemed to do when he was alone… That, and well…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran his fingers over the cuts on his wrists. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet another dirty little secret he kept hidden. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lost track of how many meticulously guarded secrets he kept. Too many, that’s for sure. If his friends found out about any of them…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Friends. No, friends trusted each other. They were just… People who put up with him. The big Seven, made up of people he both admired, and envied. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t even want to think about what would happen if they found out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Would they be angry? Would they be upset? Would they even care?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hazel might care, but the others were too busy with their own things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small part of him wanted them all to find out, he wanted them to worry, and make him stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ignored those thoughts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had seen the way they looked at him, the things they whispered about him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He looks so skinny… I haven’t seen him eat since he got back, have you?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He’s so jumpy. I wonder what happened in Tartarus that made him like this.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think I saw blood on his jacket... “ </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as he leaned against the rail, the dark waters churning below him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers itched to take the razor blade in his pocket and run it over his wrists, or better yet, stab himself with it.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He decided on the former. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a quick glance around, to make sure no one was there, he pulled out the blade, and pushed up his sleeve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pushed the blade against his skin, sucking in a sharp breath at the pain. It dulled his thoughts, and left his mind numb. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had heard of people being addicted to drugs, liquor, and to gambling… But hurting themselves? Being addicted to the feeling of gnawing hunger and the dull ache in his head when he didn’t sleep?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t heard of that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet another thing that made him an outcast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time he put the razor blade back in his pocket, white hot pain covered his arm, as blood dripped from the cuts and down his fingers, into the water below. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re up late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A voice pulled him from his mind, and startled him, causing him to jump. He quickly pulled down his sleeve, and shoved his bloodied hand into his pocket, before the person could see. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Leo. He hadn’t really talked to him much, and didn’t really know him. Though, Hazel seemed close with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, couldn’t sleep.” Nico muttered, turning back to the water. His heart hammered against his ribcage painfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither could I.” Leo said, leaning against the rail next to him. He fiddled with some mechanical thing in his hand, as he stared at the water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you talking to me?” He asked. His voice came out as a growl, and a lot more hostile than he intended. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leo slipped the machine into his tool belt, and raised his hands. “Woah, I just thought you could use some company. Who doesn’t want company from ol’ uncle Leo?” His impish face split into a grin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico rolled his eyes. “I’m fine without it, thanks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, come on! Every kid likes uncle Leo!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a kid.” He said, growling under his breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re like, fourteen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and I’ve been through a hell of a lot more than you. I lost the right to call myself a kid when I went into Tartarus.” He spat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jeez, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned on his heel to leave, when Leo grabbed his bleeding arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Panic flashed through his mind, as he ripped his arm away, his dark eyes wide with shock and anger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leo looked down at his hand, which was wet and dark with blood. He looked back to Nico. “What..? Nico, are you okay? Why are you bleeding?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico didn’t answer, instead he disappeared into the shadows, leaving Leo alone and concerned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning, Leo told the others. Everyone shared his concern, Hazel more so than anyone else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was bleeding? Do you know why?” She asked, as Frank wrapped his arm around her shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure he’s okay, he probably just had a scratch.” Frank didn’t sound sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… It was more than just a scratch.” Leo sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We- we have to find him. I want to make sure he’s okay, that he didn’t…” She trailed off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words caught in her throat, as the mood around the table grew even more serious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was the question on everyone’s mind when Leo told them. Had Nico hurt himself? </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Self harm was a taboo topic, thinking Nico had done that felt like stereotyping, with his already dark and edgy demeanor. But it seemed to be the obvious answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll find him.” Percy said firmly. “And we’ll see what’s going on with him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finding him proved to be difficult. Even with the combined forces of the Seven, and coach Hedge, all they saw was fleeting glimpses of Nico for two days. It drove Leo insane, that he couldn’t find someone on a ship he knew like the back of his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico was exhausted. He hadn’t slept or ate since the runin with Leo, and with the almost constant shadow travel to avoid the others on the ship, he was running on fumes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The stabbing pain of hunger had become comforting in a way. The edges of his vision were dark and blurry, his mind slow and foggy, as he remained constantly on the verge of passing out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was sitting in the dark. He wasn’t sure where he was, just that it would be hard for the others to reach him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wrapped his arms around himself. His slow mind was startled at how skinny he had gotten. With shaking fingers, he lifted his shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His stomach was sunk in, his hip bones and ribs jutted out sharply, he reminded himself of a skeleton, with a thin layer of waxy, pale skin covering it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have enough energy to care. He was slowly killing himself and his one thought was for it to go faster. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew, he was plunged into a nightmare.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nico looked around at the darkened landscape, his lungs burning from the poisoned air, his body screaming in pain. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was hiding behind a large rock, he could hear the monsters coming closer. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Cyclops. They had been chasing him for days. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At least, it felt like days. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The next thing he knew, they were crowded around him, making it impossible for him to escape. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fear crawled its way up his spine as he looked at their misshapen faces. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He swallowed back the lump in his throat, as he grabbed his sword and stood. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It didn’t do him much good. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was quickly disarmed, and thrown to the ground. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One of them dropped down on him, and cut away his clothes, before flipping him over and pushing his face into the ground. The sharp, glassy rocks cut into his skin, as his innocence was stripped from him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It felt like it went on for hours. By the end of it, he was bleeding, bruised, and broken, his throat torn from screaming. He wanted to jump into the river Lethe, and erase the horrors of what just happened to him from his mind. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico sat up, a scream escaping him. He was shaking, drenched in a cold sweat. He began to sob, his nightmare shaking him to his core. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door of the maintenance closet creaked open, flooding the small room with light. He sat, helpless, and blinded, with no shadows to escape to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys! Guys, I found him!” Jason’s voice filled his ears. “Gods, Nico, what have you done to yourself?” He murmured, as he scooped the smaller boy into his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No… please…” He begged, broken sobs spilling from his lips. He was too weak to fight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason looked at him sympathetically.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was taken to the med bay, where the rest of the Seven and coach Hedge were. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A pang of guilt shot through him, as he looked at their worried faces. Hazel had been crying, Annabeth was pacing, and Hedge was eating a paper cup anxiously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nico! Oh Gods, Nico, I was so worried!” Hazel cried, as Jason laid him on the cot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico could only whimper in response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Annabeth walked over to him, and carefully placed her hand on his forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good Gods, you’re burning up.” She said, frowning as she pulled away her hand. “We need to cool you down, okay? I’m going to take off your jacket.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico’s eyes widened. “No, please, don’t, please.” He pleaded tearfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Piper stepped in. “It’s okay, Nico, we’re going to help you. You’re okay.” She soothed softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel the charmspeak in her voice, but he was too weak to fight it. He mindlessly nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hazel and Annabeth took off his jacket, leaving his arms bare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A broken sob escaped him. He could feel them staring at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nico…” Hazel’s worried, hurt voice reached his ears, as he sobbed harder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Percy frowned at the sight, sadness and worry taking hold of him. Nico, the most dangerous demigod he knew, the most closed off and emotionless person he had ever met, was lying in a bed in front of him, sobbing. His dangerously skinny arms were covered in thin, deep, purposeful cuts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s the part he found most disturbing. Not how thin he was, or that he was crying, or even that there were cuts. It was how purposeful, even, and planned out they were. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had been doing this for awhile, he had gotten sickeningly good at it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It made Percy want to cry. He hated himself for not finding out sooner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nico… Say something.” Hazel said softly, taking his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico pulled his hand away, his eyes downcast as he remained silent, save for a few sobs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please. Say something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nico! Say something!” Hazel said, her voice raised. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico flinched, and whimpered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been avoiding us since you got back from Tartarus! The past few days, we haven’t even seen you! Do you have any idea how worried I was!? Why, Nico, why did you do this to yourself!? Why are you starving yourself!? Why aren’t you sleeping!? Just tell me why!” She yelled, standing up as tears ran down her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico looked so broken and miserable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt that way too.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Pitiful sobs escaped his cracked lips, full of pain and anguish.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” He choked out between sobs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hazel broke down crying next to him. “Just tell me why.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And suddenly, he was. It was like a dam that burst, sending every secret pouring out of his mouth. He couldn’t stop himself from speaking. He told them about how he wanted to die, about how he had grown addicted to the pain. He talked about his nightmares, about how he relived what had happened in Tartarus every time he closed his eyes. He told them about the pain he had felt when the Cyclops took him, how they went on for hours, and at the end he felt disgusted, humiliated, and broken. How lonely he had felt for years, how this only made him feel so, so much worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tartarus had broke him. And he was sure he would never be whole again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence fell over the room like a thick blanket. He felt like he was suffocating, as everyone stared at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop staring at me…” He mumbled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one stopped, no one said a word. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Were they upset with him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop staring.” He repeated, louder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They continued staring at him, shock and horror written on their faces. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said stop! Stop staring, for the love of Hades! And say something! Anything, yell, or be upset, tell me how disgusting and pitiful I am, just something! Anything but this fucking silence!” He yelled, as angry tears ran down his sunken cheeks. The lights flickered, as the temperature dropped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hazel flinched, as everyone else stared at the ground silently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have told any of you. I’m a fucking idiot for trusting you with this.” He muttered, getting out of the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His vision darkened, as he stumbled towards the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nico wait, please!” Hazel begged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We- we don’t think you’re disgusting, or pitiful, We’re just… shocked.” She said tearfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...You don’t?” He asked, his voice quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course not. What happened to you was horrifying. You’re scared, and in pain, and you feel alone. But we’re here for you, it’s okay.” Percy said, taking a step towards him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico wanted to run, but he could barely stand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re lying.” He whispered.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I promise, I’m not. Come lay back down, okay? You need to rest.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked closer, as Nico swayed on his feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Percy caught him as he passed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He carried the younger boy back to the cot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why won’t the Fates just leave him be? Hasn’t he been through enough?” Hazel mumbled, a small sob escaping her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Fates are cruel, they won’t let any of us get a break…” He said, sighing quietly as he laid him down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Frank rubbed Hazel’s back. “I can’t believe this happened…” He said quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither can I. He’s always so scary and intimidating and now… he looks broken.” Leo muttered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should let him rest. Hazel, can you stay with him, and make sure he doesn’t do anything when he wakes up?” Percy asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hazel nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of them left the room, leaving the siblings alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>*Months Later*</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico sat on the beach at Camp Half-blood. Night had fallen, the campers were all asleep. He ran his fingers through the soft sand, sighing quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had gotten better, yes, but there were still nights like this where sleeping seemed impossible, where the memories of Tartarus plagued his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re up late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico looked over to see Will Solace walking up to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not that late.” Nico said, looking back out over the water as Will sat next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s three in the morning.” Will said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, well… Why are you up?” He asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico sighed. “Me either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nightmares again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to talk about it?” Will asked, his voice soft. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took in a shaking breath. “Mainly just memories from Tartarus… They’re not as vivid anymore, but they leave me feeling so… helpless, and disgusting.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will nodded in understanding. “Can I touch you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico gave him a nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will gently wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you have any idea how strong you are? You’re one of the strongest people I know, I doubt many people could go through what you’ve been through without breaking.” He said softly, gently rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I did break… I’m not strong, it nearly killed me…” Nico mumbled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you survived, you picked up the pieces, and you’re getting better. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> strong, you are so unbelievably strong, Nico.” He said, tucking some strands of hair behind his ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Nico sighed, resting against him. “There’s no fighting you on this, is there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” He mumbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Will smiled slightly, and pressed a light kiss to his temple. “Try and get some rest, okay? I’ll wake you if you have any nightmares.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” He said, before he closed his eyes, cuddled close to Will. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nico Di Angelo went through hell. And he made it out alive. </span>
</p>
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